Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
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