My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
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