Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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