I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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