...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
