oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
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