Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
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