I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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