After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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