Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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