70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
