May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
My vagina is officially offended.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
