haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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