so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
