I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
