At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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