Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
‎"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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