i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I still have a little drunk in my system
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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