Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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