i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
