I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
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