Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Randomize
