When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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