i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
