I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Randomize