I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
the day after is always just damage control
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
