You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Randomize
