my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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