I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
