Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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