dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
