16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
