Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
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