how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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