i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Randomize
