I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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