If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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