I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Randomize
