I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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