I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
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