Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
