tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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