I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
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