i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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