he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Randomize
