I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
We are two peas in an std pod
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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