i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
its not stalking. its research.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
