david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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