kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
