Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
