Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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