Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Your penis caused this!
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
