Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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