I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
