Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
