Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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