I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
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