The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
