so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
And then my night got REAL pukey
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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